Author Confessional: Feelings

Today we're going to be personal and touchy feely. That's right, we're going on a field trip into my mind! I hope your mom's packed you a sack lunch and your dad slipped you a mini bottle of whisky, because you'll probably need it. I feel, in this path of writer/authorhood, it's important to document the highs and lows on a blog. To show you're a real person. And to be a lesson to others that you're not alone in your feelings.

 Dear god, I hope I'm not alone in how I feel right now. 

Every day, from the moment I wake up to the moment I sleep, this has been my 'feelings routine' for 2 months: I wake up feeling determined to start the day off right, switch almost instantly into lazy mode, then I'm fed up with being lazy but too lazy to do anything about it. I feel intimidated by my writing, then several hours later feel perfectly fine with writing and wondering why I was so intimidated. From there to I go from being happy, optimistic, and confident to where I am now: fearful.

And the sad thing is, this has been my emotional schedule every single day for two months. Constant strong feelings in the same pattern that I can't seem to shake.

I feel like I'm both drowning and swimming at the same time. I feel like there's so much I've accomplished--and that it's actually very little. I'm a published author. With a publishing house. One of my other stories--a modern day sci fi--has gotten interest from another fairly larger online publishing house. I'm working (slower than I had hoped) on my novellas. I'm determined to write and finish a full novel before November. And if I can, start a second one.

On paper, these look like amazing achievements. I'm sure one year ago me is just over the moon at that paragraph I just wrote. But present day me looks at the yawning future of the rest of the year and says with horror: "You're no where near where you need to be. You're a sinking ship and you lost your ores. What are are you thinking?"

This is fine. Just fine.

What am I thinking? What am I doing? I sit here, my hands attached to the keyboard, writing sometimes, reading often, but not DOING anything. I watch as my other author and writer friends get invited to podcasts, radio shows, host writing classes, meet up with each other for writing sessions, do book signings, win awards for competitions, get picked up to speak at panels, or get picked up by traditional publishing houses.

And I sit here. Doing none of those things.

Am I not taking my career seriously enough? Am I not trying hard enough? How the hell do I even break into the world and the level they're in? I don't seem to know the right people or the right magical spell to get there. My brain keeps screaming at me, telling me I should be much further along. I should be trying so much harder, being better. Being more. But how does one be more when one doesn't know how to?

I'm at a loss. Right now, in this moment, I don't know what to do. Part of me says "well you did the best you could. Maybe this is all we get." and another part says "you're not doing good enough. You're not trying hard enough. You're not being extreme enough. You're not suffering enough." and still another part of me says "everything will be okay. Things'll work out."

But it's a very tiny, wavery voice compared to the other two. She doesn't seem to be very confident.

I try hard to stay positive. I try very hard. But it's hard when you want to achieve more and be more but don't know how---or know the people who can tell you how to do it--let alone help you do that.

Yes, last year's me would be impressed. This moment's me is very disappointed. I look at my future and can't seem to find my dreams there. At least not with what I'm doing right now. And I don't know how to change course. A lucky windfall? A helping hand? Selling all of my things and living on the streets so I can gain perspective and 10 different kinds of diseases while I blog about it? I don't know. But in 8 hours I'll wake up from sleeping and I'll begin my emotional process all over again. What will change it, I don't know.

I don't know a lot of things. And I used to think I did.

But I know I don't like this rut I'm in. I know I want to be more. I know that the future isn't set and stone and I still have time to achieve things. But in this moment, it feels like my dreams are further away than when I started, and the things I was sure would help me get there aren't working. I'm at a loss.

Does anyone have a compass?